FOX Presents: Be Terrified Today's episode: Pregnant women

If you're not sufficiently spooked by the mortal danger facing you at the hands of hippies, Muslims, strangers, foreigners, your neighbors, subway riders, and mentally retarded people, our friends at FOX have some great news for you!

Pregnant women are the fresh new faces on the 'imminent threat' charts. According to the heads at Homeland Security and the FBI, suicide bombing is about to go Hollywood, combining Islamic extremists' famous fondness for bloody mayhem and Shallow Hal.

It works like this: Women are fitted with fat suits equipped with IEDs in the belly. If you've ever been on an airplane, you know that pregnant women and old people get speedy and preferential service at the security gate, barely earning a second look.

And as we've been warned before, al-Qaeda, in their persistent hatred of all things free and democratic -- with a lower-case 'D', of course; we know they love the Democratic Party -- mean to exploit the human kindness and decency that are hallmarks of our way of life, in order to destroy it. We know this because FOX and the GOP have told us so. Every day for seven years.

And even though DHS says that there is "no specific or credible intelligence" to suggest that there are plans in the works to carry out this sort of attack in America, our friends there and at FOX thought they'd give us a running start on casting suspicious glares at everyone we meet, anywhere we happen to be. Let's thank our government and our news outlets for the heads-up and unite in putting the terrorists on notice: You can't destroy American liberal society, we'll do it ourselves!